Exit Humanity (2011)

OCTOBER 16, 2011

GENRE: ZOMBIE

SOURCE: THEATRICAL (FESTIVAL SCREENING)

I guess I just like somber horror movies. Like Stake Land, Exit Humanity spends a good chunk of its runtime on our characters moodily making their way through life as they constantly battle undead creatures (plus a few evil humans), wordlessly and grimly staring around at the fallen world around them, looking for that tiny glimmer of hope. Oh and the score is all strings, that always helps. It’s not a perfect film, but John Geddes solo debut (he co-directed an earlier film called Scarce) is the sort of zombie movie I wish I saw more often: character based, not too concerned with creative ways of killing the roamers, and… uh, in the Civil War.

OK that last one I don’t need to see too often, but I really dug the setting, set a few years after the war concluded (but still lingering in everyone’s mind, with Bill Moseley’s antagonist character seemingly having not gotten the memo that the South had fallen), during a cold Tennessee winter. I’ve been saying for years that not enough horror movies are set in the snow, and while it doesn’t really factor in the plot in any meaningful way, the melting snow and cold gray skies add immensely to the overall feeling of a “dead” world.

Also the setting allows for everyone to have a beard. There’s a weird stigma around beards in modern movies – they’re used to show characters who have let themselves go, or are villains. You never see a Bruce or Sly action movie where they have a nicely groomed beard (indeed, Bruce (playing himself) having a beard was a damn PLOT POINT in the otherwise forgettable What Just Happened?), and my buddy Joe is currently clean shaven because he was advised not to have one for his TV show. LAME. Beards are awesome, period. Between this and The Thing, maybe we can start restoring order.

Back on point, I also liked that the movie had a sort of tragic journey built into its narrative, something that you don’t often see in a zombie movie (in which our hero is usually just trying to escape to some promised safe area). Hero Mark Gibson loses his son early on, and thus commits to fulfilling the boy’s promise to be taken to a waterfall that Gibson had come across during the war and had turned into his metaphorical “happy place” (my words, not theirs). Along the way he encounters the rest of the cast, but it’s essentially a one man show for its first 30 minutes or so, which I also dug.

Unfortunately he has to “share the screen” with Brian Cox as an omnipresent narrator; a descendant of Young’s who is reading the journal that he made about the zombie outbreak. I never care much for narration in the middle of a movie anyway (bookends are fine), but his is painfully on the nose at times and frequently disruptive, as he seemingly butts in every 10 minutes with nonsense that didn’t really need to be said, as if Geddes didn’t trust the stuff he shot to convey the message. It’s almost as bad as in that one Twilight sequel (New Moon?) where they show Bella looking out the window as the seasons change but they also put on-screen depicting the months going by, as if Jack O’Lanterns and Christmas trees weren’t enough to clue us in. It’s 2 hour zombie movie with like 20 zombies – dumb people aren’t going to get this far into it! Just assume the folks watching it are smart enough to understand that our hero doesn’t want to kill a zombie unless they pose a direct threat to him, and then you don’t need the disembodied voice of Hannibal “Lecktor” to tell us as much.

I also wasn’t too crazy about the animated sequences that would often depict far more exciting action than the film offered (if you want a bunch of cool zombie killing bits, do not watch this movie). I don’t know if they were planned scenes that were deemed too complicated to film (one travels along with a bullet being fired from a gun and then going to slo-mo to see the zombie’s reflection in its metal surface before impacting its head), or just a way to break up the movie some, but either way, as with the narration, they are used far too often and aren’t really necessary. The animation itself is great, but it seems like stuff best used for a prologue or to recreate key scenes from the film during the end credits (not unlike Fright Night 3D), not as frequent breaks in the narrative.

One animated bit that I did love, however, was an explanation of other zombie outbreaks over the years. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a zombie movie where the problem was addressed as a recurring thing, like a virus or plague that was wiped out and somehow came back. I liked it because of something that I brought up a while ago, that I was sick of zombie movies where the heroes don’t know how to kill zombies, because at this point they have been a big enough part of culture that the average Joe should know (like vampires – everyone knows crosses and garlic, they don’t need to figure it out in the movie). So this sort of thing helps my case – this is a world where zombies are not only threatening humanity now, but have in the past and will again in the future (that’s where Cox comes in). Love it!

Some digital blood aside (boo-urns!), the movie was technically flawless, and provided some wonderful scope imagery (the rare shots of direct orange sunlight were particularly wonderful and well placed). Acting was great across the board as well, though Gibson’s pained howls early on were a bit Tom Jane in The Mist-y (read: almost laughable). Moseley in particular was quite good, saving his few angry outbursts for when they’d count the most and playing it straight otherwise. Dee Wallace also has a nice turn as a local suspected witch who cures one of our heroes’ wounds, though they stay with her a bit too long – I think I would have liked the movie even more if it was more like an "Odyssey" style journey (or Cold Mountain, to be more exact), with Gibson meeting folks along the way as he heads toward his destination; I almost forgot about the ashes subplot for a while because it seemed he did too.

Still, apart from the narration, the other issues were minor and didn’t detract from the movie as a whole, and with so many zombie movies of late leaning toward more high concept ideas (zombies at a prom! Zombies that sing!), it was nice to see one that take them seriously again, and since Romero wasn’t that successful with his attempt at a zombie western, it was good to see that it could be done well with the right resources and talent behind it.

What say you?

Exit Humanity (2011)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 5:06 PM

DeadHeads (2011)

OCTOBER 16, 2011

GENRE: COMEDIC, ZOMBIE

SOURCE: THEATRICAL (FESTIVAL SCREENING)

Hey remember one review ago when I was championing Exit Humanity for taking zombies seriously for a change? Now I’m going to do the same for DeadHeads, which is a full blown zombie comedy – there are barely even any other zombies in it besides our two heroes, who retain their intelligence and ability to speak even though the few others they encounter (and their trusty sidekick Cheese) are typical moaning/drooling dolts. In lieu of zombie action, it’s the sweet and quite funny tale of a guy seeking to tell his girlfriend how he feels about her and give her the engagement ring he had in his pocket prior to being killed.

The backstory is that these zombies are the result of yet another military experiment, and since our guys are the most successful test subjects, the agents want them back. So it becomes a road/chase movie, with our heroes heading back to Michigan to meet up with the girl, all the while evading a trio of hardasses that are hellbent on capturing them. It’s very much in the spirit of 80s teen comedies (if the Brent character was a girl it would almost feel like A Sure Thing), right down to one of the military guys being an alpha male macho douchebag that William Zabka would have played if the movie HAD been made in the 80s, and the hero having to prove to his girlfriend’s dad that he is worthy of her hand.

But it’s funny as hell. The random asides, Brent’s slightly stoner-esque but endlessly enthusiastic nature, and even the slapstick-y elements involving their deteriorating zombie state play great – the audience was laughing at all the right spots, with very few clunkers. The script is also careful with its movie references; this is in “our world” so they have the Transformers movies and such (I think I even caught a Cast Away reference), and even go see Evil Dead at one point, but it never becomes too winky or even strained – they naturally feel like the sort of things an obvious slacker type like Brent would watch and reference once he found himself in the situation (as I might).

As the hero Mike, Michael McKiddy is quite charming and makes an impression even though Brent (Ross Kidder) gets most of the funny lines. It goes on a bit long, but when Mike finally meets up with his girlfriend and delivers a little speech (while in a ridiculous mascot costume, posing as another classmate at a reunion so he can hide his zombie status), you can really feel for the guy. The movie doesn’t have them eating anyone, or even killing their attackers despite numerous chances to do so, so zombie or not, it’s quite easy to accept them as true heroes, not “well they’re zombies but they can’t help eating people” characters such as Bub or whatever.

Also, since one of my few issues with Exit Humanity was that the “bury the ashes” quest was seemingly forgotten for a while, I liked that it kept moving, never letting us forget why we were on this journey. I forget/missed where the journey began, but it takes a few days to get to Michigan, thanks to a few setbacks (mostly the constant threat of the military). They are aided by a guy named Chuck who doesn’t seem to notice/care that they’re zombies, and he (oddly enough) has his own ashes quest to complete that provides a nice little subplot as well as a motivator for Mike, as Chuck’s sadness over the loss of his beloved makes him further realize the importance of love and all that corny shit that wouldn’t work if you didn’t like the characters. Not Shakespeare, but its more than you can usually expect in a zombie film (that I saw two zombie modern movies in a row with characters I cared about is just sort of mind-blowing. Kudos, Screamfest!).

I just wish the finale wasn’t so extended. Everything is about him getting back to the girl, and he does that at the reunion, but then the military guys cause a problem, they get taken away, then another plot twist and they’re back on the road, seeking to meet her at a second location. I think everything could have gone down at the reunion with no jump in time and it would have worked just as well if not better, as it makes the second scene a bit anticlimactic. Also, on the outtake reel we see a better resolution to a goofy subplot about one character’s “detachable” body part than was presented in the film itself, which is a bit odd. Put that stuff back in!

According to the post-film Q&A, the film has secured distribution in most major territories, but not the US. This doesn’t surprise me – it’s an original, crowd-pleasing horror movie. The US distributors only want remakes and sequels, or movies that can shock and awe. That Serbian Film or Human Centipede 2 may have better theatrical releases in the US than this movie is just plain depressing. But by this point I’m sick of trying to convince you guys to show more support for the original horror movies that come around, because no one apparently listens, so I’ll just say that I wish Brett and Drew Pierce luck on their attempt to secure an acceptable release for their charming and very fun movie. I will also suggest maybe they throw a “2” at the end of the title to increase their chances in a marketplace that seemingly punishes those who dare to make a movie that won’t already have a built in awareness.

What say you?

DeadHeads (2011)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 3:27 PM

The Walking Dead 2.1: "What Lies Ahead"

OCTOBER 14, 2011

GENRE: TELEVISION, ZOMBIE

SOURCE: DVD (SCREENER)

Few could argue that The Walking Dead’s first season was inconsistent; when it was good it was great, and when it was off you might start wondering why you even watched the show in the first place. And with the behind the scenes drama surrounding the show as of late, there was some fear that the show might run itself into the ground faster than you can say Heroes. Well, if "What Lies Ahead", which serves as the season premiere of Season 2. is any indication, we don’t need to worry about a damn thing – if anything, it’s better than ever.

As much as I loved the pilot, there was a minor thing holding it back – it was running a bit close to the comic. The beats taken from the source, while well executed, didn’t feel organic with the new stuff, as if they weren’t sure how far they should stray before returning to familiar ground. But it seems they’ve finally nailed the balance, as the season opener does recreate elements from the comic (I won’t spoil which) but truly makes them its own – when a certain character is wounded, it’s not because it happened in issue whatever of the book and that’s where they should be in the show’s timeline, it’s because it perfectly follows the increasingly dire situation that the episode revolves around.

The premiere picks up more or less where the 1st season finale left off, with everyone driving out of the city, hoping to find a safer refuge. It’s not long before there’s a hiccup – the highway is blocked with cars that were either abandoned or stalled out when their owners died (the logic of this scenario never makes sense to me, but as it is a part of every post-apocalyptic tale ever, I just have to deal with it). Everyone unloads out of the RV or car they are traveling in and gets to work clearing the road and finding supplies – it’s merely an inconvenience at first. But then (spoilers!) zombies show up. A lot of them.

What follows is one of the most intense sequences in the show’s history, possibly THE most. Our group is scattered up and down the highway, and not everyone is aware of the looming danger (zombies may be slow, but they’re not deaf – shouting “WALKERS!” isn’t an option). Also, not all of our characters have made it into the main title credits yet (welcome, Norman Reedus!), which ramps up the tension when two such characters are put in extreme danger. The script wisely gets Rick out of danger early on (he’s the first to see them) and instead focuses on “not so safe” folks like T-Bone and Sophia, plus an attack on one main caster that is no less intense thanks to the close quarter location (the RV’s bathroom) and their complete lack of defensive weapons. It’s a terrific sequence, and while it might seem a bit like they’re blowing their wad putting the big zombie setpiece in the first act, it’s actually a masterstroke when you think about it.

Because as a result of this swarm, one character is separated from the group, and then it becomes a zombie-lite but still intense search and rescue mission, allowing those who tune in for zombie carnage to be consistently engaged (particularly during an impromptu “autopsy” sequence) while also strengthening the characters. Rather than present a fun but ultimately pointless bit where our heroes silently kill anonymous zombies in a sequence made entirely in the editing room, nearly all of the characters get to engage in a little personal drama, all centered around this event. One wants to leave the group, another feels they are responsible, another feels it might be a waste of time, etc. It took 7 episodes, but they have seemingly finally found a way to blend the dramatic beats with zombie action in a way that can satisfy fans of both areas at once.

The dialogue has also improved. I cringed at a few lines here and there (Laurie Holden’s Andrea actually bemoans the “madness of the world” or some melodramatic nonsense along those lines), but most of it sounds natural, particularly a mini-speech that Lori delivers to most of the group, defending Rick’s un-asked for position as leader. Dale also gets a nice bit with T-Bone, explaining how he’s sick of the “needs of the many vs the needs of the few” argument. Darryl (Reedus) still feels a bit one-note (does he even remember his brother?), but I assume now that he has been added to the main cast that they will be giving him more to do as the season progresses. And pay close attention to Rick’s opening lines for a slightly meta joke about Dr. Jenner – good to know they’re listening to us.

Obviously this is just one episode, and while it is a great one, that doesn’t mean next week’s will follow suit – this show has been defined by its uncanny ability to lose its own momentum. But I think the time off and fan responses haven’t been in vain; even if next week’s isn’t AS good, it’s obvious that they’ve found their footing and gained some confidence with their storytelling, and even if they never make another episode as good as this again, I am willing to bet that the worst is behind them.

What say you?

P.S. This means nothing to almost no one, but I want to applaud and give props to AMC’s publicity for doing the watermark on the show in a very unobtrusive way that did not annoy me but also clearly makes perfect sense on their end in terms of using it to catch anyone that uploaded it to the internet. I won’t explain further because I’m sure no one cares, but if anyone from AMC publicity reads this, know that it’s much appreciated to this watermark hating grump. Cheers!

The Walking Dead 2.1: "What Lies Ahead"

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 5:03 PM

Devil's Playground (2010)

OCTOBER 10, 2011

GENRE: BRITISH, ZOMBIE

SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

Despite jarring shifts in tone, some lousy editing, and a terrible performance by Danny Dyer, Devil’s Playground works if you look at it as a sort of Resident Evil type movie, where things like plot and dialogue aren’t really important as long as you’re being consistently entertained by zombie action. The problem is, I don’t think that’s quite what the filmmakers were going for, as the somber tone and the fact that they were seemingly looking to Children Of Men for inspiration suggests mindless fun wasn’t their main priority.

While most of the movie plays out like every other 28 Days Later/Night Of The Living Dead type zombie movie, there’s an added twist – a possible cure (for once!). The outbreak is caused by a new steroid that seemed fine at first but ultimately caused side effects in 29,999 out of the 30,000 test subjects. That one exception, of course, might hold the key to a cure, so it’s up to hardass Craig Fairbrass to get her back to the lab. Obviously, doing so won’t exactly be easy, as there are zombies and assholes standing in their way, not to mention the fact that she’s pregnant and her baby daddy (Dyer) doesn’t think too much of her being treated like a lab rat.

Unfortunately Bart Ruspoli’s script botches this rescue mission plot by keeping her and most of the other characters holed up for the entire second act, killing the momentum and urgency of the situation. With more of a chase/protect motif (think Children of Men, or Babylon AD for something more in line with the sort of movie we’re dealing with here), this could have been a lot of fun, not to mention helped us forget or forgive the derivative aspects of the story. But once they finally get going, there’s no hiccups until the movie’s almost over. Not that anyone would believe that she WOULDN’T be safely brought to the lab, but they could have at least put her in danger more often.

They also could have had more heroes dying to protect her. It’s borderline stupid that no one besides Fairbrass seems to understand how important it is that she be kept alive – two characters even intentionally try to kill her! What in the hell sense does that make? At least Dyer’s opposition makes sense: he’s afraid her/their baby will be subjected to tests that might harm them. But everyone else just has generic “We have to think of ourselves first” plans, which also reduces the urgency of the situation – if her own companions don’t seem to think she’s all that special, why should we? Without her storyline to guide us, the movie is just another “zombies take over we need to get away” movie, of which we’ve seen many.

And again, the editing is questionable at best. Sean Pertwee shows up with a silly mustache, has one scene with dialogue, and then later appears out of nowhere, steals a boat and zooms away, never to be seen again. It’s not like they put his name on the cover or anything, but why bother casting him if he’s going to be some sort of anonymous cop, and why give ANY character such a random “arc”? Plus, it starts at the end, with Fairbrass telling the story, something that almost never works for me. It also might have been fun to keep us in the dark of how our characters related; the film starts off like Contagion or whatever, with a bunch of characters in different situations reacting to different parts of the outbreak, but we learn how they connect long before their characters actually meet up. For example, Dyer gets out of prison at the movie’s beginning, and it’s not until the halfway point that he meets up with his ex (The Descent’s MyAnne Buring; a stunning presence). It would have been a fun little surprise to discover their connection when they actually met, but they talk about each other in their introductory scenes. It’s like the movie wants us to be constantly way ahead of its characters.

But like I said, if you look at it more as a Resident Evil-esque timekiller, it’s pretty good. Fast zombie fans should enjoy all the running and jumping, and even though I belong to the slow zombie school, I like that their super strength and parkour style antics actually made sense (they WERE on steroids, after all). The budget wasn’t high but they did a fine job of depicting a chaotic London, and you’re never more than a few minutes away from Fairbrass going to town on some poor zombie bastard with a hammer or multiple close range shots from his pistol. And in addition to Pertwee, Colin Salmon pops up as the head of the pharmaceutical company that caused the whole mess, so along with the others I’ve mentioned, the cast is like a who’s who of vets from better movies (and of course Salmon was actually IN a Resident Evil movie).

It also looks fantastic. The deleted scenes shows the raw digital video, so even though none of them are particularly interesting (they’re also out of order), it’s worth taking a look at them just to compare to how good the finished film looks. There are about a dozen different companies listed on the DVD (Indomina and Vivendi seem to be the most major), so I don’t know who to thank for the transfer, but it looks almost blu-ray perfect at times. I know 28 Days Later is considered a classic and all that, but quite frankly that movie just looks like an amateur film school project more often than not, and of course Colin only cost about 12 quid – it’s nice to see a professional looking zombie ravaged London for a change!

In addition to the deleted scenes, there’s a brief making of that quickly covers the usual bases, nothing essential. There’s also a QR code imprinted on the disc; scanning it will bring you to a webpage that apparently has a bonus video clip. My phone isn’t good enough to open it, so I have no idea what it is, but I hope this is not how bonus material will be provided in the future. I am a firm believer that everything should be on the disc – why should those who don’t even know what a QR code is be deprived of bonus material? Unless it’s something specific for a phone (i.e. a ringtone or a mobile game), then I shouldn’t have to use my phone to access it.

So A for effort and all, but it never quite becomes the compelling “serious” zombie movie it tries to be at times, and the things it does get right have been done in other movies anyway. Again, fine to put on in the background while you sort laundry or maybe do your nails if that’s your sort of thing, but the more attention you give it, the less impressed you will be.

What say you?

Devil's Playground (2010)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 9:30 PM

Juan Of The Dead (2011)

SEPTEMBER 26, 2011

GENRE: COMEDIC, ZOMBIE

SOURCE: THEATRICAL (FANTASTIC FEST SCREENING)

A few months back, the otherwise awesome Umberto from Latino Review inadvertently held me “hostage” by hinting that he had a major scoop coming up that horror writers should pay attention to. And since Brad “Mr Disgusting” Miska was at the doctor’s or something, he asked me to keep an eye out so we could post the news (because, you know, god forbid we post something 20 minutes later than it could have been posted). So I sat and sat and eventually was late for work waiting for this scoop, until Brad finally got home and was able to take over. Finally, a couple hours later, we learned that it was merely the trailer for Juan Of The Dead (Spanish: Juan de los Muertos), which was basically just another damn zom-com but with the added bonus of being the first Cuban horror film in over 50 years. Needless to say, it wasn’t exactly worth being late for work for, and I got up early* today to make sure that I saw it so I could yell at Umberto if the movie also sucked.

Luckily it was actually pretty charming, and is actually one of the better zombie films I’ve seen in a while (best since Zombieland, I think?). It runs a bit long, and a middle section where Juan finds a way to profit from the growing zombie problem is almost obnoxiously repetitive, but Juan is a unique hero that I enjoyed following through this experience, and even though I know little about Cuba’s political/social problems, it was easy to see and appreciate the film’s underlying social commentary of Cubans trying to hold on to the place they call home as things beyond their control constantly threaten to destroy it. Of course, this is best exemplified by the film’s final scene, which spins a very typical zombie movie ending (where a beloved character is doomed due to a bite during the big action finale) into something much more original and crowd-pleasing.

The fun thing about Juan is that he’s not a very noble hero. When we meet him he’s banging a neighbor’s wife, telling a kid that his dad is a sodomite, and can’t be bothered to stop his best friend from pleasuring himself while he peeps at a couple making love through a window across the way. But nothing depicts this aspect of his character better than the first big zombie scene, as he and his equally shady pals sit and listen to a neighborhood watch group discuss a recent string of stolen car stereos (one of them is to blame). Suddenly, a single zombie attack results in pretty much the entire group being decimated/turned, but rather than help, Juan just points out that now they won’t be too concerned about the stolen stereos, and shrugs off the carnage as he heads back home. Thus, he’s not an unlikable asshole – he’s a guy who’d rather not get involved, which is a lot easier to identify with (and like).

And while the movie has a good deal of zombie action, including a terrific fight between Juan and his buddy vs a giant swarm of the undead (with a terrific payoff – they started the brawl on purpose), it’s the on-target humor and strong character work that keeps it above the scores of Shaun wannabes that have peppered video shelves for the past 5 years. I’m not sure if I believe the director when he says that Shaun wasn’t an influence (there’s even a zombie dispatched by a random pipe sticking out from the ground in a backyard, and a “heart to heart” scene between Juan and his burly, less heroic best friend ends in a juvenile gag), but this isn’t a slacker comedy with zombies – Juan is a guy who has been in a couple of wars and does what he needs to do to survive. At one point he realizes he can make a few bucks by killing zombies that are former “loved ones” of paying customers (who can’t bear to do it themselves), and again, it could have been cut down some, but it’s still a far cry from Shaun, whose best idea was to simply go to the bar.

Also there’s no romance. Juan’s buddy Lazaro is constantly seeking a quick lay, but Juan’s primary goal is to protect not a love interest but his daughter, who is about 20 and estranged from him (she doesn’t even call him “Dad”). Of course they will re-bond over the events of the film, but the traditional arc of their relationship doesn’t make it any less interesting, and gives Juan a real way to redeem himself by being there for the daughter he never really knew at a crucial time. And his way of dealing with her possible attraction to one of his hoodlum buddies provides the best laugh in the entire film, I think.

Speaking of the laughs, it’s kind of obnoxious how many of them were sort of ruined by the subtitles. For whatever reason, the company that did them put multiple parts of a dialogue exchange on screen at once, killing the timing on jokes where the pause in between the two lines is what made the joke work. Since its human nature to read the entire subtitle section as soon as it appears, you get the punchline long before it’s actually said on screen. Basically it just causes a strange disconnect, and I hope it’s corrected for the film’s regular release.

As for the zombie action, it’s nothing special. There are some inspired gags (crossbow!) and a wonderful massacre near the end, but the makeup is pretty bland and there are very few gore/prosthetic effects of note – I assume this is a drawback of the fact that there apparently hasn’t been a Cuban horror film made since such things became part of zombie movie tradition. Actually, if the “50 year” absence is correct, then that would mean the last horror film made in Cuba was before Night of the Living Dead – i.e. the birth of what we know as a zombie film. So I guess I can forgive them for the lack of any eye-popping gore, but it should still be noted for those who watch zombie movies specifically for such things (instead of “boring” stuff like characters and theme). Less easy to forgive is the continuing gag of buildings collapsing – how the hell does that occur as the result of a zombie outbreak? Do buildings require living occupants to remain structurally sound? Or do these particular zombies feast on human flesh as well as foundation?

With some trimming (the aforementioned “heart to heart” scene should have been cut entirely) and maybe one more big setpiece, I think this could be a bona fide classic. I’m also unsure if Alejandro Brugues should have informed us who he wanted to play the English speaking priest that shows up near the end of the movie – I’ll never be able to watch this actor’s performance again without wondering how much more awesome it would be (swipe to read if you want: George Romero). But it’s a damn solid effort from a novice (this is only his second film) who has never made a horror movie before, and a charming way to watch the deaths of hundreds. And hopefully Cuba will produce a few more horror films – I’m always happy to see underused locales in my horror movies!

What say you?

*As I described in one of the other posts, having a pass to the festival doesn't mean you get into the screenings - you have to reserve individual tickets on the day it shows as well.

Juan Of The Dead (2011)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 5:08 PM

DIEner (2010)

SEPTEMBER 1, 2011

GENRE: SERIAL KILLER, ZOMBIE

SOURCE: STREAMING (NETFLIX INSTANT)

When the worst part of a low budget indie horror movie is its title, you’re in pretty good shape. DIEner (formerly, I shit you not, Die-ner (Get it?) – so it could have been worse) is a strange blend of zombie movie and isolated serial killer movie; imagine George Romero tackling the diner scene from Natural Born Killers and you can get a decent idea of how this movie plays out.

Indeed, there does seem to be a legit Tarantino influence, as the opening scene is just a long monologue from a waitress, talking to an off-camera party. I think it’s a full five minutes, and while QT obviously didn’t invent this sort of idea (Godfather had one too, duh), the little asides about menu items and curious specificities of her story feel like the product of someone who watched his earlier efforts on a loop for a while before writing their screenplay. But it’s not the usual sort of “homage”, with a lot of strained pop culture references and the like, so I’ll let it slide. That the story ends with the woman explaining how her husband started nailing her sister also improves things, as does her unfortunate turn of phrase (“I’m spilling my guts out here...”) that prompts some stylish violence.

The hook comes along later, as the waitress and a couple of other victims suddenly return as zombies. There is no real explanation for it; at one point our charismatic and dryly hilarious killer suggests that they are merely the next step of evolution (a point he gets to after literally going through the entire history of man – this movie is not afraid to pad out its 75 minute runtime), and that’s about it. I could almost say that the movie had no point, but I was so amused by its laid-back and random nature, I didn’t mind. I kept thinking of the guy at the beginning of Rubber and his theory of “no reason” – he would certainly have much to say about this particular movie.

Plus, it’s not often that you watch one of these things and say “wow, that actor really carried the movie”. Joshua Grote is unfortunately cursed with looking and sounding exactly like Edward Norton (with a bit of James Van Der Beek), which is very distracting for an actor, but as the script admirably doesn’t turn him into some hero at the end, it’s even more impressive that you like the guy. Sort of like Riddick in Pitch Black – you hear about the terrible things he does and even see some of them, yet you’re still sort of rooting for him because the actor is charismatic enough to almost forget that he’s actually just as bad (or worse) than the “villain” of the film.

And again, that would be the zombies, who are seemingly hard to kill here. A few get their heads chopped off and yet their bodies still lumber around (which results in a terrific line from a deputy on his first encounter with one), and I can’t remember if any of them are actually downed for good. Luckily our “hero” has a lot of duct tape due to his serial killing habit, and so he tapes one to the ground from head to foot – a hilarious and unique sight gag. He is aided by a couple on the brink of separation; would-be victims who aid him in some minor zombie control but never truly side with him. I don’t know if it’s because he was so charming or if they were just poorly written, but I didn’t care much for these two; the girl wasn’t too obnoxious but the guy was just a lame and whiny pouter; the sort of guy who you'd meet through a mutual friend and not have the slightest understanding of why they continue to hang out with him.

And that’s pretty much it for characters; as I mentioned on twitter this movie is INCREDIBLY minimalist (I blew through all of my notes in the first two paragraphs!), and discussing too much of the story would basically be spoiler-y. I later learned that director Patrick Horvath was also one of the folks behind Entrance, which was another minimally plotted film that almost seemed like an exercise based on a random “What if?” question. So if that one was “is it possible to make a slasher film where the heroine never once leaves the frame?”, then this one would be “Can you do a zombie flick in a tiny diner with only three people?” I’d give both a tentative “Yes”, but also have to remind myself (and you guys) that it takes four years of watching a lot of unambitious and lazy trash to appreciate minor successes like this; 5 years ago I might have trashed both films on their (sigh) digital video presentation alone.

But I’m glad I saw Entrance first, because I would have been wary going in to see a movie “from the director of Die-ner” (which was shot before the former film). I assume that the cramped location (I’m 95% sure this was a real diner, not a set) limited the camera angles, but even in the exteriors the movie had very clunky and awkward blocking, with actors’ heads frequently out of frame or standing in a way that blocked most of our view of the angle. As the direction was one of the better things about Entrance, I’m happy to realize that he has improved in this department. It’s rare I see a 2nd film from a lot of these indie folks, it’s even rarer to realize they have enhanced their skill as filmmakers.

What say you?

DIEner (2010)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 4:46 PM

Black Demons (1991)

AUGUST 28, 2011

GENRE: ITALIAN, ZOMBIE

SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)

The last thing you can usually accuse an Italian zombie movie of is being boring. Add insane director Umberto Lenzi to the mix, and Black Demons (one of the many films sometimes known as Demons 3) should have been a pretty great time, intentionally or not. But no, it’s a major snoozer, as they opt for a Fog style “They need x amount of victims to finish their curse” plot that limits the action, which makes it feel more like one of the Blind Dead films, but without the atmosphere or cool ass knight costumes.

Right off the bat I knew it would be trouble (actually even earlier, my friend Matt all but told me not to watch it and he has a stronger affinity for this area of horror than I do), as we meet a guy who is obsessed with voodoo and blacks out while watching a bunch of voodoo types do their thing (drum circles, chanting, fire-dances, etc). Not that I don’t like voodoo based zombies (I prefer the Romero style, however), but in order for one of those to work well you need a strong director with a keen eye for atmosphere, and Lenzi does not fit that description. Indeed, he can’t even get basic action sequences right – when the heroes’ car needs to break down he just has one of them randomly swerve into a ditch, without placing as much as a squirrel in the road to provide the cause for the erratic action. So yeah, good luck with the slow-moving zombies who have a purpose.

And that purpose is claiming the lives of six white people in order to satisfy their revenge for how they died in the first place (the title isn’t just casually racist, their race actually plays a role in the plot). Again, this is the type of plot where a strong sense of atmosphere is required, or at least a very big selection for the zombies to choose from. But this is the most under-populated zombie movie in history, offering us only six real characters and almost no supporting cast at all. And there are only a few zombies, so there’s no swarm or big attack scenes, nor do they turn anyone when they kill them in order to change the balance. Worse, they all use weapons! It’s fine if one random zombie kills one guy in the middle of a zombie movie with a weapon, to give it a little dose of humor, but they all brandish garden hoes and axes throughout the film (no biting!). They even kill most of their victims the same way, gouging an eye out with one of the garden tools. Come on guys, if nothing else at least come up with some cool deaths.

It also commits the cardinal sin of zombie movies – stretching out the time period. I could almost forgive the boring first half if they kept up the pace from the moment that the zombies first began rising from their graves (which occurs at the halfway mark of the movie), but no! The zombies rise, kill one or two, and then it’s morning and we have to be bored again for a while before they start doing anything again. Almost the entire movie is set inside the one house (a big, crumbling estate – actually a plantation and thus not a bad place to set a horror movie in theory), which just brings Night of the Living Dead to mind anyway – it’s totally unacceptable to manage to have a slower pace and less action than a movie made for 40 grand or whatever it was nearly 25 years earlier. And there are no notable setpieces either. Fulci’s Zombie is kind of slow too, but at least there’s Zombie vs. Shark, the New York/boat sequence, etc. This has... uh... six shackled zombies wandering around every now and then.

Hell it barely even has any unintentionally funny moments; this wouldn’t even work as the B feature on Grindhouse night at the New Bev. Besides the aforementioned “accident”, the only time I felt compelled to laugh and yell WHAT? at the TV is when two of our heroes know that one of their friends is dead because they find two pairs of her shoes and “She only has two pairs”. And even that wouldn’t work at the Grindhouse because we’d all be drunk or half-asleep and thus not have the brain power to work out that there is no such thing as a woman who only owns two pairs of shoes.

Perhaps out of spite, Shriek Show has included a few extras, including the trailer. Oddly enough, it’s a fairly accurate trailer – instead of loading up on the movie’s few money shots and thus making it look exciting, it’s just as dull as the movie itself, and also barely makes sense unless you’ve seen the movie as half of it is comprised of shots from the back-story sans the context that would explain what you were looking at (no dialogue whatsoever in the trailer). It also spoils one character’s fate and another’s hidden agenda in one shot, so it’s perhaps the one trailer in the world that is only recommended for those who have seen the movie.

Then we get the trailers for all four Zombi “sequels” (including Killing Birds, which is sometimes known as Zombi 5), starting with Fulci’s (a “sequel” to Dawn of the Dead which was retitled Zombi in Italy, remember), for some reason – wouldn’t the Demons movie trailers make more sense? Killing Birds is the only one I haven’t seen yet, gotta get on that (I didn’t watch the trailer just in case it was as spoiler-y as the others). Finally, the only relevant extra are a pair of interviews with Lenzi and co-writer Olga Pehar (joined by Lenzi). That one is so brief I wondered why they didn’t just lump it in with the solo Lenzi one, but his is definitely worth watching as it’s the only truly entertaining part of the disc. As with many of his peers, Lenzi doesn’t bother to sugar-coat his thoughts on the film or his actors, so even when the discussion turns to something a little less exciting (such as why he never made any other full blown zombie movies) he turns it into a rant about one of the actors. Hell he even goes above and beyond the necessary “ouch” point; after explaining that the lead actress was a last minute replacement that he didn’t care for, he adds in that she was “short and not very attractive”, but in a manner of fact tone that doesn’t seem petty or mean, he’s just saying it like it is, the way absolutely no one in Hollywood ever does. He also dismisses the guy playing the lead (he has to look at the VHS box in order to recall his name) and scoffs at the Demons connection, claiming he hadn’t even seen Bava’s films. Well, he should, they’re a lot better than this thing.

What say you?

P.S. I have a note that says “F.F.” I don’t know if this is supposed to be for “The only way to watch this movie is to Fast Forward through the whole thing”, or “Hopefully I don’t see anything this bad at Fantastic Fest”, which I will be attending for my first time this coming September. Austin readers – welcome me with open arms and/or a beer!

Black Demons (1991)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 9:06 PM

Quarantine 2: Terminal (2011)

AUGUST 8, 2011

GENRE: ZOMBIE

SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

While I usually try to rent the more high-profile DTV films as soon as possible, I somehow missed that Quarantine 2: Terminal had been released to DVD, and thus was surprised to see it on the shelf (and not on the “new this week” section) at Target. I am sorry for having failed you, HMAD readers. And this would actually be the second time I missed seeing the film in a timelier manner – it actually played a special theatrical screening here in LA a few months back, but alas I was stuck at work.

It’s also kind of amusing (to me), as I missed seeing the “original” Quarantine in theaters due to the usual October nuttiness back in 2008 (to date it’s the only wide release horror movie I’ve missed in theaters since HMAD began, I think). Basically, for whatever reason, I’m always a bit late to the party with these movies. But DVD is where it was destined to land, so there’s nothing wrong with seeing it there. If nothing else, Sony consistently delivers terrific looking standard def discs, which is probably better than the (likely) half-assed digital presentations it got in theaters.

Unfortunately they didn’t really deliver a very good movie. It was a foregone conclusion that they couldn’t remake [Rec] 2 for their follow-up, since that film was so heavily based on the religious angle that the first Quarantine dropped, but I’m not sure if going so far into the other direction was the best call. Not only do they change the locale (to an airport – the dual meaning subtitle Terminal is about the cleverest thing about the movie), but even the approach – this is not a found footage movie. And that presents a problem right off the bat – none of the previous films in this “franchise” had particularly great scripts; their success was primarily due to the unique approach to this sort of claustrophobic zombie/virus terror movie, not the actual plot. So now it’s just another zombie/virus movie that looks like every other zombie/virus movie, and not even a memorably shot one – screenwriting vet John Pogue makes his directorial debut here (working from his own script), and while competent, nothing about it suggests he should stick to it full time.

And he certainly needs to work on his scares if he was to continue directing horror movies. Most of them are telegraphed and all of them are basically the same – an infected person suddenly shrieks and runs real fast toward whoever the camera was last pointing at. Then they are dispatched, or at least subdued long enough for the heroes to run away and resume yelling at each other or formulating a plan to get out of the quarantined area. For a movie set in very few locations (all of which are very cramped, particularly the laughably narrow plane that you would never actually see flying out of LAX), there is a shocking lack of any claustrophobic tension for the most part. The big plane attack does have a certain panic built into it (the infected banging on the cockpit door recalled United 93’s climax), but of course that section is the film’s shortest; they’re back on the ground by the end of the first reel.

The rest of the movie takes place in an unidentified* major airport, primarily in the (offline) baggage section, which is a maze of conveyor belts and metal railings. But, in keeping with the original’s approach of no anonymous zombies, there’s nothing much exciting about the rest of it. We know how many infected there are left at every point, and never see more than two at once, so there are no big attack scenes, and since everything is turned off they aren’t able to use the conveyor belt either to provide more weapons (like Die Hard 2!) or maybe build a cheap scare out of a zombie hiding among the luggage. Nor is there any sense of building tension – the place is closed down so there’s no threat of being overrun by the things, and there seems to be a built in time to ensure that another character is offed every 6-7 minutes.

And that would be fine if the movie had any balls, but of course that is not the case. You can practically guess the order that the characters will die as soon as they are introduced (with a bonus “this guy is obviously a villain” sighting for good measure), so there’s little to no excitement to be had as they narrow the cast down to the pre-determined final two, one of whom is a 12 year old smartass. I can’t remember if Quarantine recreated the little girl eating her mom, but either way there’s no excuse for a DTV movie to play things so safe – if they wanted to surprise us they would have killed the kid off halfway through. Even the “surprise” final death doesn’t really work, because it’s telegraphed so far in advance, and the first one did the same thing anyway.

So what’s good? Well, ironically, they did what the first Quarantine should have done, and hired a cast of no-names. Again, there’s little surprise in any of their deaths, but at least we’re able to believe in the situation a bit more this time around instead of being distracted by familiar faces. The FX are also pretty good (much better than the usual DTV fare), sticking with practical effects most of the time and even delivering a couple of nice splatter FX (also dig the needle in the eye scene). And to its credit, it’s rarely action-starved; even when they start delivering exposition on the virus and how it was caused, they’re back to running around or fighting off a crazed former friend before long.

Also, and this is something I shouldn’t have to point out, but that’s just the way it is – I didn’t hate most of the characters. Didn’t care much when they died (though Lamar Stewart’s character is dispatched far too early – he had a fun “I’m smarter than you” attitude that I was enjoying), but I wasn’t eagerly awaiting any of their demises either. Even the usual asshole guy isn’t too obnoxious, because Pogue actually reduces his presence as the movie goes on (he dies around the hour mark) and focuses more on the folks who will last a bit longer. And none of them do anything particularly stupid, so there’s something.

But it’s all for nothing, because once again it’s just not scary or suspenseful. The other films delivered fun roller coaster ride experiences; this one is like standing in line watching everyone else have fun. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again now – a bland movie like this is actually worse than a full blown stinker, because there at least you can have some fun at their expense. Fitting for a half asleep viewing at four in the morning maybe, but nothing else.

What say you?

*At the end we learn it’s Vegas, setting up a sequel I assume. Which is funny, because the far superior airplane-set Flight of the Living Dead also set its final scene in Vegas a few years back. If you seek a zombie/plane mashup, I urge you to watch that one instead.

Quarantine 2: Terminal (2011)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 5:01 PM

Resident Evil: Degeneration (2008)

JANUARY 1, 2009

GENRE: MAD SCIENTIST, ZOMBIE
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

Not sure why it’s taken so long to make an animated Resident Evil movie. The games always had lengthy CGI cut-scenes anyway, and the three movies were more or less junky fun but everyone always complained about the lack of game characters like the Redfields or Leon, so what the fuck took them until now to give us Resident Evil: Degeneration, which brings back the heroes of RE2 and what could have been a pretty awesome game location (an airport)?

Oh, a new game. It’s been years since Resident Evil 5 was announced, but it’s finally coming in March. And it seems that this movie is setting up the plot of that game, in which terrorists are using Umbrella’s bio weapons for their usual terrorist type plots. I haven’t played 4 yet, so maybe this movie is bridging the two games, I dunno. All I know is, there’s no Alice, no little girl ghost, and Paul W.S. Anderson doesn’t have a goddamn thing to do with it.

And it’s not all that bad. The middle act is a bit slow, but the animation is good (there’s a shot of a plane early on that I swear is real), and while the character movement is a little jerky and unnatural, the voice acting, for the most part, is far better than the games usually offer (and no one is referred to as the “master of unlocking”). The only drawback, besides the rather curious lack of zombies in the 2nd half (then again, the games always sort of phased them out after a while too, but there would still be dogs and Hunters, neither of which are present here), is that Claire spends most of the movie like Abbie in Riding With Death: watching shit on a monitor and talking to herself. Leon S. Kennedy (he actually introduces himself with his initial) is the main hero, and he teams up with a new character who eerily resembles Jolene Blalock from Starship Troopers 3. Not sure why they would bring back one of the most enduring characters of the series and not have her really DO anything for the bulk of the film, but oh well. She DOES brandish an umbrella as a weapon (heh) at one point, so I guess it evens out.

I had to laugh too, at a scene late in the film when Leon displays some parkour style skills as he scrambles to avoid a monster. Where the fuck are those moves in the game? I would have liked the animators to just once have a character turn the wrong way, slowly walk a few feet, then run in place against the side of a wall for 30 seconds before getting killed. Or maybe just an ink ribbon lying around. I guess I will settle for a bit early in the film when a background “extra” appears to show disdain for a planter that he was passing by. Keep an eye out for it (it’s before any of the bad shit goes down), it’s hilarious.

Speaking of the character movements – it’s funny how the animators seem to think that keeping a character moving around will make them seem more lifelike. So if someone is delivering a bunch of exposition, the other character will continually nod, shake their head, widen their eyes, blink excessively, etc. Stand still!

One thing the movie definitely takes advantage of is the unlimited range of CGI when it comes to monsters. The final monster has a few stages, and it’s really great to see it bursting new body parts and such, a moment that would be poorly done and look “fake” in a live action movie. Like the games themselves, there’s always a human villain to deal with (actually two, a sleazy senator guy and a corporate tycoon who looks suspiciously like Keith Olbermann), which limits the monster’s screen time, but it’s pretty awesome nonetheless. Director Makoto Kamiya also stages some impressive shots (he’s a big fan of rack focus) and setpieces – I’d love to see him tackle another film of this type, maybe Metal Gear or Silent Hill...

The sound design is also above average for this type of thing. There’s a part where Claire hits a guy with a coffee mug, and even though we don’t see it hit the ground, they took the time to add in a sound effect of it rolling away. Little effort goes a long way. Some of the surrounds are pretty impressive as well; I wish I had gotten this on Blu-ray instead to enjoy an uncompressed track. Like Downfall, it’s nice to see these tie-in movies that display some actual attempts to be worthwhile once the game itself is out.

The DVD comes with a nice collection of extras, including bios for all of the characters for those uninitiated into the RE universe (not sure who exactly would be watching this beyond RE fans, but oh well). Some of the features are jokey, like an “interview with Leon”, and also about 15 minutes worth’ of the movie redubbed with funny dialogue (some of it actually made me laugh, to be fair), but that’s better than fake animated bloopers. Also, the 30 min making of is informative and interesting, albeit not in English (the movie offers like 6 spoken languages – they couldn’t dub the making of into English for a R1 DVD?). There are also a couple trailers for RE5, but sadly none of it is comprised of actual gameplay, just cut scene stuff.

I enjoy playing the games, but I can’t make heads or tails of what is going on in any of them by the end, and the movie follows suit. There’s a lot of nonsense about T-viruses and vaccines and political coups and double-crosses... I’m not going to lie and say I understood all of it. All I care about is zombie action, some cool monsters, and a female character or two that makes me think unnatural things, and in that case the movie delivers as well as any game based on a video game can be expected. I’ll take it over Extinction at any rate.

What say you?

P.S. I can’t remember, but does time really pass this much in the games? I always assumed they took place within a few weeks of each other, but in this they say it’s been seven years since RE2 (in reality it’s been 11-12, but still, I thought that seemed long).

Resident Evil: Degeneration (2008)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 10:02 PM

The Christmas Tale (2005)

DECEMBER 24, 2008

GENRE: THRILLER, ZOMBIE
SOURCE: DVD (ONLINE RENTAL)

I am starting to notice a pattern with the discs in the 6 Films To Keep You Awake series. The first disc had two movies about abortion, and now disc 2 has two movies about children who love horror movies. But while A Real Friend ultimately turned out to have no real place in the realm of the supernatural, The Christmas Tale (Spanish: Cuento de navidad) is instead very reality-based until the final scenes.

NOTE - The ending will be SPOILED in the review!

So the whole movie is about these kids who find a robber in a pit in the woods, and rather than turn her in or even really help her, they leave her in there until she tells them where the money she stole is. It's a fun setup; sort of like a horror/thriller version of The Goonies (albeit with foul mouthed children - they are pretty much the sole reason for the film's R rating), but unfortunately writer Luis Berdejo really wants to make a horror movie, and after some sort of generic confrontations and turned tables, it turns out that the woman really is a zombie of some sort, which is what their adolescent imagination had come up with in the first place (thanks to their repeated viewings of a movie called Zombie Invasion).

I only wish this was presented as the 2nd act twist, rather than as a twist ending. It would have been great to be suddenly thrust into a whole different genre at some midpoint, a la From Dusk Til Dawn, instead of spending the entire movie wondering when it will earn its place in a horror collection. For a while I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to even really count it as a horror film, and then the ending is more horror than anything else in the collection thus far.

Luckily, until that point it's pretty entertaining. The kids are all good actors (strangely, Pan's Labyrinth's Ivana Baquero is the weakest; she often seems like she's simply reading her lines) and their interplay is delightful, particularly in the earlier scenes before they start fighting with one another. The group's resident "nerd" is the best, mainly due to his amusing (and ultimately helpful) fascination with The Karate Kid. Unlike Real Friend though, they either got the rights or simply didn't care enough to obtain them, so the movie's title is given (and the kid calls himself Daniel LaRusso). Edgar Wright once talked about how when they were making Spaced, it was important that they use real games/movies/whatever instead of generic ones that simply invoke real titles, because it became a lot easier for the audience to identify with the characters. I understand being a little kid who wants to be the Karate Kid; but I wouldn't feel as strong a tie to a kid who was obsessed with some generic action movie that the filmmakers shot specifically for this film.

Which is ironic, because the zombie movie they are all obsessed with is INDEED a fake horror movie. The clips we see of "Zombie Invasion" suggest an over the top hybrid of a Spanish zombie movie starring a Bruce Campbell esque tough guy, and not a very good one either. Maybe the idea that they were indulging in fantasy would come across better had a real film like Dawn of the Dead been used instead, because the horror fans watching this would remember their own Romero-inspired zombie games as kids.

There are a couple of horrific moments before the final reveal though. Our villain tries to claw her way to the top of the pit, and you all know what happens to fingernails during such occasions in horror movies. Also, while she is still human, her demented rampage/chasing of the kids is pretty suspenseful, mainly because you kind of suspect that maybe Berdejo and director Paco Plaza have the balls to kill one of them.

I had to laugh too; my review of Real Friend points out how some of the film's background ambience is lost because it is not translated. Not the case here; at one point, the subtitles helpfully translate the "never would have guessed it" Spanish word "fotographias" for us. Even more amusing, it's literally in the background of a shot and has no bearing on anything. It's not like the kid is hiding in the photo hut or whatever. Awesome.

One final note I want to make, I know I compared it to Goonies, but it's actually more like a mean-spirited ET, as in both films the kids find something and hide it from adults. But even more obvious is the fact that Plaza never shows any adult's faces (besides the robber, obviously). Two cops are introduced, but shot in a way that you never once see what they really look like. I found that pretty interesting, and even though the making of never says it (at least, not in the part I saw - the disc was scratched and I had to skip over some of it), it's obvious that ET was an influence on both writer and director.

The making of focuses mainly on the kids, how Plaza had them bond for a while before filming, and how they would practice the stunts and such. It's mildly entertaining, but a bit overlong (22 minutes), especially considering that some of it is just B roll footage with music playing over it. One thing I learned - actress Maru Valdivielso (the robber), who is made to look kind of ugly in the film, is actually quite pretty in reality. Why they would take a pretty woman and make her look like Julian Richings, I don't know, but hopefully her next movie allows her good looks to be seen.

What say you?

The Christmas Tale (2005)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 11:07 AM

The Zombie Diaries (2006)

DECEMBER 17, 2008

GENRE: MOCKUMENTARY, ZOMBIE
SOURCE: DVD (STORE RENTAL)

What the fuck is it about British zombie movies that makes people exalt them to high heaven, ignoring all of their derivative qualities? When 28 Days Later came out, folks sang its praises, claiming how much better it was than Dawn or Day of the Dead, while completely ignoring the fact that without those movies, 28 Days Later would be pretty damn short due to the fact that nearly half the film consists of scenes with only minor differences from their superior counterparts in Romero’s films. Now we have The Zombie Diaries, which most reviewers claim is far superior to the similar Diary of the Dead, despite the fact that this film shares almost all of the same problems Romero’s had, and is far less interesting to boot.

For example, many complained about the characters in Diary filming things that they shouldn’t, and the camerawork being too “clean” (so we could see the top notch gore effects). Well Zombie Diaries does it one better: at one point a guy fires a shot, and then there’s a goddamn CUT to the zombie getting its head blown apart! With one camera! Also, these characters film their friends being eaten and many benign conversations and events, not to mention take the time to perfectly frame just as many headshots as Romero’s characters did (and unlike that film, none of the kills here are particularly memorable). But it’s British, not American, so it’s OK I guess?

And Diary, for all its faults, at least stuck to a single concept (film students are making a horror movie, end up being in one) and a core group of characters, most of whom never filmed anything. Here, we follow three separate groups, and while the documentary team has an excuse, none is ever given for why the other two are constantly filming their adventures (and certainly not why these regular folks are equipped with good cameras and an endless supply of tapes and batteries). As a result, it’s often very confusing as to who exactly is filming, especially near the end of the film when the groups begin intersecting. At first I thought the film would present a tapestry of different characters, a la Max Brooks’ incredible book "World War Z", which would have been fine, but the constant switching back and forth of perspective is needlessly confusing and ultimately annoying. Perhaps if the groups weren’t intercut with one another, and instead presented whole in 25-30 min segments, it would work better.

But even then, the movie would still suffer from the same shit that many zombie movies do: evil fucking humans. Yeah, because the end of the world, losing all your loved ones, and the undead walking around is simply not enough for a single movie, you gotta have a couple of humans show that “we” are the REAL monsters. It’s the same moronic decision that ultimately sunk 28 Days Later and many other zombie films (even the original Dawn loses a lot of steam once the biker gang shows up). I don’t understand why this is such a prevalent concept in zombie films. I don’t see this happening in other genres; it’s not like you’re watching The Howling and then near the end a bunch of fucking goblins show up too. Christ, zombies don’t even figure into the final 10 minutes of a movie called ZOMBIE DIARIES, because the evil humans have once again become the main antagonists.

That all said, it’s not without merit. The first half hour or so (before the “Survivor” group is introduced) is pretty solid, and the acting is decent for the most part. There’s a guy in the “Scavenger” group that’s pretty bad, but otherwise they are all believable, and more importantly not recognizable. The biggest mistake any of these mockumentary movies can make is to cast well-known actors (part of why I didn’t even bother with Quarantine), so at least they got that right. And to be fair, it did come BEFORE Diary of the Dead and a lot of the other recent “found footage” type movies, so kudos to coming up with an original-ish way to PRESENT their zombie movie; it’s just a shame that they couldn’t come up with original ideas to put into it as well.

The DVD comes with two commentaries, one by the director/writer/producer/editor team (no one else to blame for the movie’s faults!) and one by the cast. I listened to the director one; it’s plenty informative, though they start off by claiming they won’t be pretentious and then 10 minutes later they are knocking Blair Witch’s jump cuts, noting that they are “absurd”, apparently forgetting that the film is presented as edited footage and thus the jump cuts make total sense. They also knock on 28 Days for some of its faults (I’m no big fan of that film either, so I don’t care, but it’s still worth noting I think), rather than bother to note their own. There are also quite a few deleted scenes, confusingly presented in three separate menus (one per survivor group). “Play All” only refers to the scenes for that group, so make sure you click around if you want to see all of the footage that was wisely removed from the film. Many reviews point out an hour-long making of documentary being included as well, but damned if I could find it on the copy I rented.

The DVD box also features what I assume is the cover for a much more exciting zombie movie, since it doesn’t have a goddamn thing to do with this one.

On the back of the DVD, a site (magazine?) called Dark Side is credited with saying that it’s “The Best Zombie Film Ever!” This bummed me out; I feel bad for anyone who lives in a universe that doesn’t include Night of the Living Dead (1968 or 1990), Dawn of the Dead (78 or 04), Day of the Dead (85), Land of the Dead, Diary of the Dead, 28 Weeks Later, Shaun of the Dead, The Beyond, Zombie, The Gates of Hell, Return of the Living Dead, Zombies Anonymous, Dead & Buried, [Rec], Mulberry St, Demons, Demons 2, Boy Eats Girl, Night of the Creeps, Messiah Of Evil, Flight Of The Living Dead, Black Sheep, Deathdream, Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things, Planet Terror, Brain Dead, Prince Of Darkness, or Cemetery Man. To name a few.

What say you?

The Zombie Diaries (2006)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 7:58 PM

Hellgate (1989)

DECEMBER 13, 2008

GENRE: COMEDIC, ZOMBIE
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

Since The Pit was so amazing, I had high hopes for Hellgate, as it was on the other side of the disc. It also starred Horshak himself, Ron Palillo. And a wax tourist trap figured into the equation, which brought along memories of, well, Tourist Trap, one of my all time favorite movies.

Unfortunately, it sucked.

I dunno how they could take all that promise and make a movie so dull, but that is precisely what screenwriter Michael O’Rourke and director William A. Levey did. By my count, there was only one inspired sequence in the entire film – when two older dudes point a rock at a fishbowl, which makes the goldfish grow and grow until it shatters the bowl and turns into a flopping mutant thing on a table. Then they do the same to a turtle. I was hoping that the rest of the movie would just be two old dudes pointing a rock at various marine life and seeing what happened, but instead, we go back to our four dull leads doing their dull thing.

And four is as many hero sort of characters we get. It’s not a bad number for a zombie movie (I believe Dawn of the Dead did just fine with a quartet) but O’Rourke and Levey seemingly refuse to kill them, or even put them in any real danger until the final 15-20 minutes of the 91 min film. And they never introduce any significant sub-hero characters to kill either, so the movie just treads water until then. There’s some nonsense with Palillo horsing around with a blond woman who is a ghost (or something, I actually got pretty baffled by some of the movie, just never in a good way), which makes his girlfriend mad, but that’s about the extent of the suspense until the final reel.

Back to the blue rock laser thing – it’s the most inconsistent magic implement I’ve ever seen in a movie. It always shoots out the same blue line, but the consequences change at random. Some things grow larger in size; others turn rather monstrous but don’t really grow that much. Some objects explode instantly; others just simply break in half. And then some folks just turn into the zombies that we occasionally see wandering around, but never seem to figure into the actual story.

And if anyone can explain the scene with this guy... be my guest.

Also, and I don’t mean to be mean, but the two girls are... how can I put this nicely... not very attractive. Come on, casting people – if you’re going to make a bad horror movie, at least make sure that the two girls who don’t do anything are at least hot, for the audience’s sake. One of them looks like Paul Reubens for Christ’s sake.

The uneven tone doesn’t help either. When you’re making a horror/comedy, the least you can do is succeed on one count, but Hellgate doesn’t even come close on either front. The only laughs I got were unintentional, stemming from the cheap-o effects (and the giant fish) and the movie is never the slightest bit scary or suspenseful (except, again, the giant fish, which kind of freaked me out since I am afraid of fish).

This movie must have been direct to DVD. The IMDb has no “box office/business” information, and BoxOfficeMojo actually laughed at me for attempting to find out the financial success of a (the?) movie starring Ron Palillo. So, what, three days into my “No more DTV crap!” credo, I’ve already fucked up. Oh well.

What say you?

Hellgate (1989)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 11:21 PM