The Howling Reborn (2011)

OCTOBER 23, 2011

GENRE: WEREWOLF

SOURCE: BLU-RAY (OWN COLLECTION)

Movies like The Howling: Reborn are why I think the MPAA should allow filmmakers to choose their own rating within reason. Obviously something like A Serbian Film should be restricted (and thus if its director asked for a PG-13 he would be vetoed), but in this case the director shot the film for a PG-13, limited the profanity to a single “fuck”, and offered no nudity (to a ridiculous degree; a woman dies naked but somehow manages to cover her breasts with her arm). Yet he got the R, and apparently didn’t bother to fight it, so you have this movie that’s going to (theoretically) limit its intended audience while annoying those who expect a typically R rated werewolf movie.

And it’s not PG-13 in the “it doesn’t deserve an R” way like Insidious – it’s specifically aimed at teens. I know folks have and will continue to make comparisons to Twilight, but it actually seems more like that Percy Jackson movie or something like Harry Potter, with a nerdy kid finding out about his heritage and learning to be his own man or whatever. The Twilight angle is largely based on the fact that there’s a love story at its core, but that hardly seems specific to Twilight for me, and there’s no rival monster or anything.

Like Twilight, however, it’s just not aimed at me, so I can’t really hate on it too much. If I was still in grade or high school I’d probably dig it, even though by then I was already watching Italian zombie movies and such. The worst thing about it is that it’s not particularly engaging; even teens would probably be bored by the lack of werewolf action in the first hour. It’s a strangely “small” movie – there’s less than a dozen actual characters in the entire thing, most of whom are already dispatched by the time the third act kicks in. Worse, that entire 35-40 minute chunk of the film takes place in the locked up school, with nothing at stake – it’s our hero and his girlfriend against the four evil werewolves. Guess how it turns out? He has a best buddy; they really should have kept him around longer in order to provide some semblance of tension.

The movie also suffers from a rather silly plotting decision that requires an actress to play two characters, a device that has never worked in a movie, ever. I wasn’t even aware it was supposed to be a twist until I heard it on the audio commentary, with the director and actress laughably saying that they think it works great. Um, no. People aren’t stupid – when you see a woman with a bad wig and sunglasses, you know she’s in disguise instantly, and the fact that the actress is the only recognizable person in the movie (to my eyes anyway) makes the approach even sillier. We’re also supposed to believe that a mere hair color is enough for a man to not recognize her as his (thought dead) wife, which is just asinine. At first I thought maybe this was a plot point from the novel by Gary Brandner (as in a novel you wouldn’t have the very obvious visual clue), but then I discovered that despite the credits specifying that it’s based on Brandner’s second “Howling” novel, it has absolutely no relation to it whatsoever.

Otherwise, it’s fine. The wolf FX are almost all practical, saving CG mostly for terrible compositing (the background of the graduation scene looks like a graphic from the 2nd Resident Evil game), and even if it’s all at the end, seeing two wolves whaling on each other is always awesome. There’s a fun little bit concerning a silver trophy that our hero won; a fun way to combine a character beat (that he’s unexceptional) with an obvious plot necessity (silver – duh). And there’s a genuine surprise with regards to one character’s “secret” that I didn’t see coming, so that’s good. I also like that it all took place over about 24 hours or so (not counting the opening flashback); possibly because of the Harry Potter vibe I was getting. In those things I’m always wondering what they DO on a day to day basis; the threat is always known right at the start of the year, but they don’t take care of it until May. Get proactive, Potter!

And since I’m an old grump and not the target 14 year old audience, I can’t even get worked up about the covers of classic rock songs that pepper the movie. I know they can’t afford the real ones for the most part (Echo & The Bunnymen’s “The Killing Moon” must have been cheap!), so I’ll take a decent version of Peter Gabriel’s “Book of Love” over some shit emo-indie song. I was baffled by the terrible cover of “Don’t Fear The Reaper” though – there’s got to be 50 covers of that by now, why the hell did you go with the worst one I’ve heard?

Anchor Bay has provided a terrific looking blu-ray; the sound mix was average but the picture looked spectacular, with strong detail and perfect black levels. The accompanying making-of also looked quite good – I’ve seen seeing a lot of standard def bonus features lately, which is obnoxious (especially for me as I prefer to watch bonus features at work; if I’m gonna sit on my couch watching something on a Blu-ray disc instead of playing Arkham City, it better be in high def!), though the piece itself wasn’t particularly interesting. All of the usual bases are covered, but director Joe Nimziki is embarrassingly in denial about some of his movie’s shortcomings, praising the (terrible) compositing and saying that the French actor who was supposed to be American did a pretty good job hiding his accent (he most certainly did not).

His unearned enthusiasm also comes across in the commentary, where he is joined by Lindsey Shaw, who plays the love interest. Neither seem to be aware that their movie is kind of boring, nor has anyone broken the news that the film had gotten an R rating, rendering many of their comments rather pointless (“This is our one F-word, we can only have one in a PG-13 so I saved it for this moment.”). Shaw also seems to think the word “Lycanthrope” is a tongue-twister of some sort, which will just make any werewolf fan roll his eyes, assuming he/she had even gotten that far in the disc anyway. One interesting tidbit is that he had planned for Dee Wallace to make a cameo as the school nurse, but it didn’t work out. He also makes sure to point out that the script was written long before "Twilight" (the book) even came out, though to that I just have to wonder if he was so worried about it, why didn’t they just use the plot of the 30 year old book that the movie credits as serving as its basis? No one could have argued that. Well, some idiots would, now they can have the benefit of the doubt.

For a series that has remained dormant for over 15 years, this is hardly a tour de force comeback, and the total lack of relation to any previous entries makes me wonder why they even bothered securing the franchise name – it hardly means anything to the target audience anyway, and anyone who DOES really dig this series (I am not one of them, I’m not even too crazy about Joe Dante’s original) will hate it for the lack of connection and focus on a younger audience anyway. But those younger folks might enjoy it, and if they ARE Twi-fans, then they might be seeing their first practical werewolf! Very exciting.

What say you?

The Howling Reborn (2011)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 8:06 PM

Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning (2004)

OCTOBER 4, 2011

GENRE: WEREWOLF

SOURCE: STREAMING (NETFLIX)

I know I can be pretty optimistic with regards to HMAD plans (such as watching all of the video nasties this year – I’d have to watch one every other day to get em all), but even by my standards my delay in seeing Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning is a bit ridiculous – I promised to see it “soon” back in July… of 2007. That is when I watched the 2nd film, but since this is a prequel it doesn’t matter that I can’t remember a lot about it anymore. If anything, given my dislike of prequels, it could have been a blessing to go in “blind”.

Alas, even if I had only read the synopsis of the first film it would render a lot of this one rather pointless, as obviously the movie would have to end with both of the girls still alive in order to go on and have ancestors that look exactly like them in 200 years (and also have the same names). It would have been fine if the plot didn’t require them to be in danger, but the ENTIRE THIRD ACT revolves around how Brigitte has to kill Ginger in order to stop the curse from continuing. Uh, spoiler – she doesn’t do it.

So without any real tension to the bulk of the movie, all that’s left is a fairly generic period werewolf tale, except even less interesting because there’s no real mystery as to who the werewolf is when it’s human. Basically the two girls find themselves trapped in a fort in the middle of nowhere, populated by a half dozen or so surly dudes with a werewolf problem, but it’s not a “whodunit”, which might have been cool. Instead the wolves stay in wolf form for pretty much the whole movie, and some local Native Americans introduce their usual legends and curse talk in a largely unsuccessful attempt to give the girls something to do. For a series that started off as “feminist horror” (not my term), it’s sort of embarrassing that this one essentially sidelines the two heroines in favor of guys not trusting each other and shooting at wolves.

They also make no effort to explain how the girls end up continuing their timeline. I mean, the whole point of a prequel is to lay down the groundwork for the events of the other films, right? So why does this feel more like a period remake? The fact that they have the same first names doesn’t make any damn sense, and once again it comes down to Brigitte betraying human allies in order to protect her infected sister – if they transplanted the setting to modern day this would be pretty much the same damn movie. Ginger Snaps 2 worked because they continued with her character and came up with a different story – this one just goes backwards in more ways than one.

It doesn’t help that Emily Perkins gives a wholly obnoxious performance this time around. After getting the previous movie pretty much to herself, she spends this one in a constant state of near-shock, always looking like she just woke up and saw a spider crawling on her chest and is panicking but afraid to move. She also spends at least 50% of her screentime clutching onto Ginger, who doesn’t fare a lot better as SHE spends most of the movie making a slightly stoned face as she fights (?) the werewolf curse. It almost seems at times that they took an unrelated script and shoehorned the girls and their story into it at the last minute.

In fact, that wouldn’t surprise me, as the film was shot back to back with Ginger Snaps 2, but curiously doesn’t share the same writers or director. Usually a back to back production has a remarkably similar crew, which allows everyone to work for a little less dough and make the most out of the production. But here, not only is the principal crew different, they’re not even in the same location. The best thing about the flick is the fort set, which has been used in other productions (including the Fear Itself episode "The Sacrifice" – I recognized it instantly, proving my memory isn’t totally worthless), and it has nothing to do with the hospital from the last movie. So really, only the actors and a few producers could really see this as “back to back” – director Grant Harvey didn’t have a damn thing to do with the previous entry.

But despite the change in crew, it still suffers from the same thing that plagues most of the latter movies in back to back productions – a lack of good ideas and actors who are clearly getting sick of being in this character’s shoes. I dug the first film and liked the 2nd even more, but this just didn’t work for me. And it doesn’t seem like it worked for too many others, either – what could have been a decent DTV franchise (female werewolves!) was killed with this entry.

What say you?

Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning (2004)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 10:52 PM

Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans (2009)

JANUARY 23, 2009

GENRE: VAMPIRE, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (REGULAR SCREENING)

Another day, another Kate Beckinsale-less prequel to a Kate Beckinsale movie. But otherwise it's the opposite of Vacancy 2. While that film was a major letdown and a black spot on the original's good (and still underrated) name, Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans is surprisingly an improvement over the convoluted and wayyyyyyyy "style over substance" driven first two.

One must assume that Patrick Tatopoulos is a better director than Len Wiseman, as the writing team is more or less the same and two of the three main stars reprise their roles. How else to explain that this film is coherent, well shot (only once in the film did I find the action incoherent due to the closeups and rapid fire editing that was pretty much nonstop in the others), and just simply more enjoyable than Wiseman's entries?

To be fair, Evolution was an improvement over the original as well, so maybe even with Wiseman at the helm this one would still have turned out pretty good (it's hard to judge the guy as a director when he seemingly never has a decent script to work from). The prequel setting has taken automatic weapons out of the equation, which was always one of my bigger problems with the movies. I want werewolves to claw and tear at folks, not shoot them.

Another big improvement is the storytelling. While some of the subplot narrative is a bit muddled (Viktor wants to use his werewolf slaves as guards to improve their defenses, but it's never quite clear as to what could possibly cause major damage to a castle filled with vampires), the basic plot is more streamlined and coherent than the others. It's sort of a cross between Gladiator and Romeo and Juliet, and that's fine by me. And it's also free of the double-crosses and such that plagued the other films, where I was never quite sure who was on who's side (and could never figure out what the hell they were trying to accomplish either).

The only real issue with this film, besides the obvious prequel "facts" that deflate some of the suspense (Lucian and Viktor might be mortal enemies, but you know that they both survive this battle), is that the vampires never really do any cool vampire shit. This is the werewolf's show most of the time, and since the effects are much improved as well (only the blood looks fake/CG), I wish there was a big vampire transformation like we get for the Lycans. Even in the big climactic battle, Viktor is just plain ol' Viktor.

The nice thing about the movie is that it has inspired me to give the previous ones another look. With a better grasp on the characters, maybe I will enjoy them more. I'll still hate all the fucking guns though.

What say you?

Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans (2009)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 11:50 PM

The Curse Of The Werewolf (1961)

DECEMBER 31, 2008

GENRE: BRITISH, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: DVD (OWN COLLECTION)

After Brides of Dracula and Evil of Frankenstein, I’ve decided to start checking whether or not any of the films on my Hammer set were sequels to films I hadn’t seen yet. Through this, I discovered that The Curse Of The Werewolf was actually the ONLY werewolf movie that Hammer ever made. I found that pretty surprising; how is it that with all of the movies they made during the 50s-70s, only one focused on one of the big three classic monsters? They actually had more about Jekyll and Hyde!

One reason it’s a shame is that this one, while pretty good, could definitely have benefited from 20/20 hindsight when it came time to make another. Oliver Reed is the werewolf, which is an incredible idea in theory (I had visions of a drunken wolf man trying to kill someone, but instead he just keeps laughing, tripping over himself, and generally just having a blood-free blast), but Reed doesn’t appear until nearly FIFTY minutes into the film! The reason for this is the rather involved setup; it’s not enough to just have a stranger come to town and bite Reed or whatever. No, a stranger comes to town, he gets tossed in a dungeon by the evil king, a little girl falls in love with him, and when she is a grown woman she gets tossed in the cell too, gets raped by the guy, kills the king, runs away, is taken in by a nice rich couple, has the stranger’s kid, and then dies. Then the kid is seen for a while as a tyke, before the movie’s four hundredth “time has passed” fade out occurs and Reed finally enters the film. Good lord!

And this presents a rather troubling issue: at this point there’s only a little over a half an hour left of the movie, so Reed kills a broad within minutes of his introduction. The best thing about the old Wolf Man movies is that you really felt bad for Larry Talbot, but here, even though he’s not a raving lunatic (well, relatively speaking, this IS Oliver Reed here), you don’t get to know him long enough before he does something deplorable, which makes it kind of hard to sympathize.

Still, all of the Reed stuff is top notch entertainment, almost making you forget the rather bland first hour. He runs around in a Mariachi suit, carries out what I believe to be the most upsetting and traumatic marriage proposal in cinematic history, and makes what can best be described as an “annoyed pigeon” sound when he growls. We are also treated to my favorite mob/torch moment in monster movie history. One of the townsfolk, as is dictated by law, tosses his torch at the monster, who is on a nearby roof. But instead of lighting him on fire or whatever, Reed picks up a bale of hay, which immediately engulfs in flame. Reed then tosses it back at the crowd, thus turning their own torches against them! Yeah! I bet the guy who sells them all the torches (I like to think he has a cart, like a New York hot dog vendor) felt pretty bad about that.

Director Terence Fisher (who else?) really botches what could have been the all-time best “monster’s dead, so the movie’s over” moment in Hammer history though. Reed’s character’s father puts a blanket over him, and momentarily covers the camera lens with it, leaving an all black image. It would have been fucking AWESOME if they cut right then to credits, but Fisher breaks Hammer protocol by inserting a quick shot of someone reacting to the tragic loss of a once human character (his fiancée, in this case). Hammer movies don’t usually bother with such sentimental nonsense, so I’m not sure why they thought outside the box for once when they had the perfect opportunity to wrap it up with the blanket thing. Oh well.

So, yeah, it takes a while to get to the actual werewolf part of it (plus the “curse” stuff never really has any payoff) but it’s still an above average werewolf movie. It’s a bummer Hammer never made another. Maybe the new Hammer studio will do one of their own if the Benicio Del Toro one (from Universal) takes a break from being delayed and turns out to be a big hit.

What say you?

The Curse Of The Werewolf (1961)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 9:16 PM

Sex And The City: The Movie (2008)

MAY 28, 2008

GENRE: PSYCHOLOGICAL, SUPERNATURAL, VAMPIRE, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: THEATRICAL (PRESS SCREENING)

While I love gore and insane prosthetic effects as much as the next guy, it’s nice to see a horror film that eschews all of that stuff in favor for more subtle horrors; a sort of ‘alternate’ horror film, much like Martin or something of that nature. Sex And The City: The Movie fits that mold; despite the R rating, there is actually only suggested violence in the film, along with a few morbid visuals.

Based on the TV show, the film is about three female best friends, each of them a different type of monster. Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) is a vampire, Samantha (Kim Cattrall) is a succubus, and Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) is a werewolf. There is also a fourth friend, a human named Charlotte (Kristin Davis) whose only role in the film is show off her perfect human life to her friends, all of whom aspire to find her happiness while retaining their own monstrous needs.

Carrie the vampire is the film’s main character. She is engaged to a fellow vampire, a man only referred to as Big even though his name is John something or other. Unlike most cinematic vampires, they are not harmed by sunlight (the film even makes a little joke about this – they turn down an apartment because it doesn’t get any sun), but they are immortal. We know this because they have been dating for 100 years and have broken up and gotten back together some 15 times (this is explained to us a few times via dialogue – I assume it was detailed in full on the show). Big stands her up at the altar, and she begins a downward spiral – she’s been with him forever, and was prepared to give up her immortality in marriage. Now she is faced with being immortal forever, and alone.

Next up is Samantha, the succubus. She doesn’t live in New York with the others, instead she lives in LA where her kind is more common. The film’s opening sort of “previously, on Sex and the City” thing shows her pre-devouring of several men, and then finding a man she truly loves and thus does not want to eat. Now they’ve been together for five years, and she is discovering that she misses her succubus ways, thanks to a new neighbor who is actually a male succubus, taking a new woman every night.

And then there is Miranda, the werewolf. Her problem is more simple – she’s not allowing herself to indulge in the pleasures that come with being a lycanthrope. As the film begins her husband, a nerd who obviously gets off on nailing a she-wolf, is sexually frustrated, and cheats on her. So she throws him out, and now has to make a new life for herself and hopefully rediscover her carnal instincts.

Finally the human one, Charlotte... well, she doesn’t really have a storyline, because she is not one of the undead. Like I said, she’s just there to sort of remind her friends that happiness is possible, though they never quite make clear if being human is essential. Later in the film she finally has something to do (she gets pregnant), but until then she’s merely just sort of hanging out with them. Ironically, she is the focus of the film’s sole gross out gag, a scene in which she contracts dysentery and shits her pants. It’s an odd moment, but mainly because it’s actually pretty funny, where the rest of the film is incredibly overdramatic and sour.

The little moments in which their monstrous sides are actually on display are among my favorites in the film. At one point, Miranda begins growing her werewolf hair all over her legs, and the succubus chastises her for it. She usually shaves it all in order to hide her lycanthropy from her coworkers (she’s a lawyer – another sly injoke to her true nature), but since her separation from her husband she is letting herself go. The three monster girls, particularly the vampire, also have an unnatural addiction to red wine (for contrast, the human only drinks water). I would have liked more of these type of scenes, but since the film is about the human side of monsters (and not the monstrous side of humans) it makes sense that they are kept to a minimum.

Still, it does have some scare moments. The succubus, who is the oldest of the group, strips nude and covers key parts of her anatomy with sushi (a nice reverse on the succubus way – she is inviting her lover to essentially eat HER), a ghastly sight. She also threatens on more than one occasion to devour two separate men’s manhood, which will give the male viewers a chill (the females in the crowd cheered at these lines).

In the end, it’s a decent attempt at doing something different. In the end, all of the monsters have accepted their true nature and found happiness, which is nice. I would have liked maybe one transformation or two, but the effects are pretty much limited to Dick Smith style old age makeup. It won’t be for everyone, but it’s certainly the most unique horror film of the year.

What say you?

Sex And The City: The Movie (2008)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 10:59 PM

Howling II: Your Sister Is A Werewolf (1985)

APRIL 29, 2008

GENRE: WEIRD, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: CABLE (FLIX)

I had to make a tough decision when choosing today’s movie. With a newly purchased copy of GTAIV in my hands, I really didn’t want to stop playing in order to watch my 500th horror movie in a row (give or take). So I thought about it, and decided that the film I watched had to be something I probably wouldn’t like anyway, rather than unfairly “waste” a good movie on a day when I would be watching the clock more than the film. So really, is there any better candidate than Howling II? Let’s look at the facts – I didn’t like the original very much; Christopher Lee, the film’s STAR, considers it the worst film he’s ever done (even after he made Attack of the Clones); and it’s been almost universally derided by everyone else for the past 20 years or so. In fact, in all of my life, I’ve only encountered one man who liked it, and this sod also likes, well, Attack of the Clones. So I figured it was a safe bet, and it’s reasonably running time ensured it wouldn’t be too long before I was back punching hookers in the face and running over cops. Not to mention - more time to play GTAIV.

To be honest, the film wasn’t exactly a train wreck. Well, it WAS, but in a mostly enjoyable way. It took a while, but eventually the nonsensical storyline, haphazard directing/editing, abysmally awkward scene transitions, and just plain cheapness of the film sort of won me over. It’s impossible to hate a film in which we get a clock wipe to a scene of three werewolves (two women one man) engaging in a ménage a trois, while the man makes this wonderful, almost melancholy musical howl. Then they checker wipe to a midget or something.

Yes, wipes. It’s as if the editor just got the Avid “transition” package (and a time machine, I guess, since Avids weren’t around then) and was determined to use each and every one of them in the film, regardless of sense. And you really can’t blame him for such proclivities, as few scenes in the film ever really connect to the ones before or after them (from either a visual or storytelling standpoint). For example, at one point our bland hero and blander heroine check into a hotel. He asks for two rooms, and is visibly angry that they have to share one. And yet, 12 or so seconds later, she asks him for a hug and he goes right into some good ol’ “against the wall” fucking. Why’d you want two rooms if you could hardly wait for the bellhop to leave before engaging in the film’s only non-werewolf based sex scene? The whole movie is like a cinematic non sequitur.

For a sequel in which not a single cast or crew member returned (Dee Wallace’s corpse is played by a woman who couldn’t look less like Dee Wallace if she tried), it actually does a decent job of retaining the original’s themes. “Werewolf as cult”, bestiality, boring dialogue scenes... they’re all here, just as they were in Joe Dante’s original. The only major difference is the pitiful effects. Whereas Rob Bottin’s work in the original continues to impress, this shit couldn’t even have been admirable in 1985. At one point you can pretty much see where the wolf arm ended on the human performer, and there are no full-blown transformation scenes either (we just see close-ups of things like arms and back hair). A mid 80s horror movie where the makeup effects are the WORST thing about it? This movie’s puzzling nature never ceases!

What say you?

Howling II: Your Sister Is A Werewolf (1985)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 9:40 PM

Underworld: Evolution (2006)

APRIL 18, 2008

GENRE: VAMPIRE, WEREWOLF
SOURCE: BLU-RAY (STORE RENTAL)

Dear Len Wiseman,

I like you. I really do. You seem like a chill dude, and you stole Kate Beckinsale from that Lucian dude from the first movie (and then on top of that, didn't resurrect him for this one). That’s fucking awesome. Also, you use practical effects as much as possible, another thing I truly admire And while my anger with Live Free or Die Hard is legendary (to... me), none of my problems concerned your direction. But after watching Underworld and Underworld: Evolution, I have a simple suggestion to make: STOP FUCKING WRITING YOUR MOVIES.

You see sir, one of the few movies I ever gave up watching was the original Underworld. I put it in, and after like 40 minutes I was just like “I have better things to do.” I forget what I did instead, though. A few days later I “watched” the rest, merely putting it on while I read a Fango or something. It was certainly a visually interesting movie, but the plot was just incomprehensible and the werewolves and vampires just kept fucking shooting each other instead of using their goddamn fangs and claws. So needless to say, watching the sequel was not high on my list of priorities; even with this whole Horror Movie A Day thing, the only reason I decided to rent it was because I wanted to use my Blu-Ray player, and U:R was the only horror movie on Blu Ray (at Blockbuster) that qualified.

And to give you credit, you cut back on the gunplay. The first sequence is grand, as werewolves tear dudes up, vampires bite, etc. Of course, it’s set in like 1208 or something, so the automatic weapons had no choice but to sit the scene out, but it's still appreciated. And even in the modern day stuff, it seems there is much more monster action than “guys who happen to be monsters shooting each other in the dark” action. However, the story continues to be needlessly convoluted. At some points I felt I needed to diagram the relationships between all of the characters in order to keep them straight. This is essentially a monster movie, can’t things be a bit simplified? The whole concept is kind of stupid to begin with, so I can’t help but keep my brain mostly turned off. In short, I don’t want to think really hard about why exactly a giant bat guy is tearing off some other dude’s head in a “monastery-slash-opium den”.

And what is with your obsession with hockey puck shaped objects? The keys, the bombs, the family heirloom things... they all look the same. Try a triangle, or maybe a hexagon.

Also, and again, this isn’t really your fault, but when the MPAA rating description comes up before a Kate Beckinsale movie begins, and promises nudity... let’s just say you’re just setting the viewers of your movie up for massive disappointment. Because, as you know, the nudity stems from a scene with some Romanian no-name heroin chick while Kate has a PG-13 love scene with that Felicity dude. That's just cold-hearted, man.

Speaking of that scene, how do you film something like that?

Enclosed in this letter is a picture that includes the colors red, yellow, and orange. I have labeled each one so you know which one is which. If you’re feeling adventurous, try to use one or maybe even all of these colors in your next film and see what happens. If it doesn’t work, you can always reshoot the scene in your trademark blue, dark blue, black, and dark black.

I did not listen to your commentary track as of yet – it’s tough to get me to watch a commentary on Blu Ray, because I usually do commentaries at work. When I’m at home, there are so many other things begging for my attention (other movies, games, my wife who hates your wife) that it’s asking a lot for me to sit there and listen to a guy talk about a movie I didn’t really like all that much to begin with (though I did like it more than the original – it seemed better paced and the action was improved, plus, again: less guns). I did, however, watch the hour and 15 min of making of stuff, and see that quite a lot of work went into the film. Still, it tickled me to note that the documentary was broken up into 6 different areas of production, and not a single one concerned the story/writing. Also that you are half-lit in all of your shots - did you have a black eye or something?

Like I said, visually I think you’re great. If Live Free... wasn’t a completely misguided sequel to my favorite action franchise, and just a Bruce Willis action movie, I’d be singing your praises to high heaven. But you’re not a writer. Hopefully your next film will match your skills as a director with a well written script, and you can eventually put these baffling movies behind you.

And if not, well, you can always bang your wife, and I can’t, so you still win anyway.

What say you?

Underworld: Evolution (2006)

By: Abdallh Gamal on: 6:09 PM